I sat by myself…
It wasn’t intentional; I was just the last person out of the ‘family room’ before entering the funeral. Being the large family that we are, the pews were quickly filled & I was left on the end of a pew by myself, holding Prater Ellis.
Aaron couldn’t miss work, my sister filed in beside some cousins, & there I was… by myself, holding Prater Ellis.
The funeral began & sweet words were said about the man I called Paw Paw Prater. Sweet songs were sung, heartfelt speeches were given, & tear-filled sniffles echoed throughout the familiar country church that also hosted my Maw Maw Prater’s funeral.
To be honest, I don’t know very much about my Paw Paw Prater… but what I do know, I cherish. I know that he loved his wife of 60+ years & that I long for that amount of time & devotion with my Aaron, that he made a hard living working in a steal mill plant to provide for his family, that he loved his Gibson guitar & that many of my family members fondly remember him playing it in church, that he was an animated character with his “hello, high pocket” greeting & “get outta here” excitement, that he was very proud of his 7 children, 15 grandchildren, & 19 great-grandchildren…
When I heard the lyrics “I'm kind of homesick for a country, To which I've never been before. No sad goodbyes will there be spoken, for time won't matter anymore.” I lost it. My Uncle David’s speech shed some light as to why the song “Beulah Land” was a favorite of my Daddy’s, why it had to be played at his funeral… it was my Paw Paw & Maw Maw’s favorite song, they would listen to their cassette tape & ‘have church’.
These days, if I cry, I sob. And that is exactly what I did.
As “Amazing Grace” was played on Paw Paw’s guitar by a family friend & I sang along with my family, my memory replayed the last time that I sang those lyrics.
It was with the same family members & we were crowded into a tiny ICU room, surrounding my Daddy with overwhelming love as he took his final breaths. As I sang them then, I sobbed, held his hand & buried my head into his freckled arm, feeling his last breath leave his body. As I sang them this past week, I sobbed, held Prater Ellis & buried my head into her perfectly precious head, hearing her whimpers & feeling her perfect lungs inhale & exhale.
I smelled her distinct scent that Aaron says smells like me & I thanked God for her life. For knowing what I needed & what I wanted when I didn’t even know it myself. For knowing there would be days that I would need the comfort of his arms around me, the kind of comfort that you can only receive from someone with whom you share blood.
After Paw Paw’s burial service, we replaced Daddy’s spring floral arrangement with a fall, Auburn themed one that he would have been so proud of. Before I knew it, as I adjusted the bow, I said “there you go Daddy”, just as my Great-Aunt Jenny does every time we replace the floral arrangements on my Pops & Nanny’s graves. All the while, Prater Ellis was asleep in her car seat being carried by my cousin, Jenny.
I stood between Him & Her.
And I have never felt more at peace.
This is where I find myself in life right now, between Him & Her. For me, it is a balancing act. I am filled with both overwhelming joy & overwhelming sadness daily. It is a strange walk. I talked about wanting to stay home with Prater because it was important to me that I was the one that could comfort her, just as I was the one who could arrange Daddy’s pillows correctly in his final days.
I am there.
Because of caring for him in his final days, I am able to care for her. Because I was so rattled when caring for him, I am not rattled in caring for her. And I believe I have come to a place where I can thank God for that trial. Because without it, without those unbearable, heart wrenching days with Him – I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be as thankful as I am for these amazing, joy filled days with Her.
It wasn’t intentional; I was just the last person out of the ‘family room’ before entering the funeral. Being the large family that we are, the pews were quickly filled & I was left on the end of a pew by myself, holding Prater Ellis.
Aaron couldn’t miss work, my sister filed in beside some cousins, & there I was… by myself, holding Prater Ellis.
The funeral began & sweet words were said about the man I called Paw Paw Prater. Sweet songs were sung, heartfelt speeches were given, & tear-filled sniffles echoed throughout the familiar country church that also hosted my Maw Maw Prater’s funeral.
To be honest, I don’t know very much about my Paw Paw Prater… but what I do know, I cherish. I know that he loved his wife of 60+ years & that I long for that amount of time & devotion with my Aaron, that he made a hard living working in a steal mill plant to provide for his family, that he loved his Gibson guitar & that many of my family members fondly remember him playing it in church, that he was an animated character with his “hello, high pocket” greeting & “get outta here” excitement, that he was very proud of his 7 children, 15 grandchildren, & 19 great-grandchildren…
When I heard the lyrics “I'm kind of homesick for a country, To which I've never been before. No sad goodbyes will there be spoken, for time won't matter anymore.” I lost it. My Uncle David’s speech shed some light as to why the song “Beulah Land” was a favorite of my Daddy’s, why it had to be played at his funeral… it was my Paw Paw & Maw Maw’s favorite song, they would listen to their cassette tape & ‘have church’.
These days, if I cry, I sob. And that is exactly what I did.
As “Amazing Grace” was played on Paw Paw’s guitar by a family friend & I sang along with my family, my memory replayed the last time that I sang those lyrics.
It was with the same family members & we were crowded into a tiny ICU room, surrounding my Daddy with overwhelming love as he took his final breaths. As I sang them then, I sobbed, held his hand & buried my head into his freckled arm, feeling his last breath leave his body. As I sang them this past week, I sobbed, held Prater Ellis & buried my head into her perfectly precious head, hearing her whimpers & feeling her perfect lungs inhale & exhale.
I smelled her distinct scent that Aaron says smells like me & I thanked God for her life. For knowing what I needed & what I wanted when I didn’t even know it myself. For knowing there would be days that I would need the comfort of his arms around me, the kind of comfort that you can only receive from someone with whom you share blood.
After Paw Paw’s burial service, we replaced Daddy’s spring floral arrangement with a fall, Auburn themed one that he would have been so proud of. Before I knew it, as I adjusted the bow, I said “there you go Daddy”, just as my Great-Aunt Jenny does every time we replace the floral arrangements on my Pops & Nanny’s graves. All the while, Prater Ellis was asleep in her car seat being carried by my cousin, Jenny.
I stood between Him & Her.
And I have never felt more at peace.
This is where I find myself in life right now, between Him & Her. For me, it is a balancing act. I am filled with both overwhelming joy & overwhelming sadness daily. It is a strange walk. I talked about wanting to stay home with Prater because it was important to me that I was the one that could comfort her, just as I was the one who could arrange Daddy’s pillows correctly in his final days.
I am there.
Because of caring for him in his final days, I am able to care for her. Because I was so rattled when caring for him, I am not rattled in caring for her. And I believe I have come to a place where I can thank God for that trial. Because without it, without those unbearable, heart wrenching days with Him – I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be as thankful as I am for these amazing, joy filled days with Her.
4 comments:
This is beautiful, Brittany! Just beautiful.
Every word of this post is utterly beautiful.
Oh my, what a sweet sweet story. You should really think about putting your stories down and sending them off to be published. When I read the stories, I feel like I am right there with you. I hope God gives you the peace and strength that you need to deal with these losts and to love you those sweet memories!
Hugs,
Lynn
I feel so similar. I have been thinking about carrying Josh Jr., and all the time I worried over everything(preparing for a girl as well). I now realize that God was preparing me to mother much differently than I anticipated. I am thankful.
By the way, you were a great daughter before he ever got sick. He told them to me often at school!
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